Referring to the Stig: Some say that 61 years ago he introduced the Queen to a Greek racist. And now I’m going to the tower!

Kristin Scott Thomas was due to be Star in a reasonably priced car and Hammond and May were taking the piss out of Clarkson for wearing a new outfit.

Clarkson replied to May “Lets just face it, you would do the same if Graham Norton was coming on to the show.”

At the end of an article about PC ecomentalist people etc…

“…I offer a piece of advice, then, to Mr Pot Porritt this morning. Try living like I do. Don’t drop litter. Recycle whatever can be recycled, without talking about it. Grow your own vegetables. Eat meat. Use whatever means of transport is the most convenient. And when you wake up to find the sun is shining, call some friends round for a barbeque and be happy.

Don’t worry about the topsoil and the coral reefs. Remember that in 1900 we lived for an average of 49 years and now we live to an average of 78. Remember too, that we we have reduced poverty more in the past 50 years than in the preceding 500. And rejoice at the news that all the waste generated by the United States in the whole of the 21st century, all of it, will fit in a landfill site just 18 miles across.

You will enjoy your short time here on earth so much more, and whats more, if you stop telling us what to do all the time, so will we.”

“The highlight of my childhood – it’s the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it’s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.”

“The only person to look good in the back of a four seater convertable was Hitler”

Health and Safety Officer: “What would happen if a cameraman were to slip over?”
Clarkson: “Well, he’d probably have to stand back up again”

“This car is rather like Herpes. Great fun catching it, not so much fun living with it!”

Clarkson also defended Camilla Parker-Bowles “People often criticise her because she’s approaching 60, but they forget that Princess Diana was approaching 120 when she went into that tunnel.” He also remarked that Camilla’s personal make up artist was known as “Ken the plasterer”.

“So there I was, first time out of Europe with no money, no Chinese, no idea where I was staying and the worst hangover in the history of man. And all the locals did was point and giggle and say “Gwaillow”, which I think means monster-faced barbarian half-devil. “Yes, but at least I’m not wearing pop socks, short arse.”